Question:
Hi Dr. Joanette, sometimes my extended family aunts and uncles say and do things in front of my son, who is almost three years old, which makes me uncomfortable. When I ask them to stop, they reply that he is too young to understand or remember and tell me to stop making such a big deal out of it. I worry, though, that it is affecting him.
Answer:
Your question is important. I hear your worries that their words and actions when they are with you and your son make you uncomfortable.Â
I also hear they are dismissing your worries rather than being careful with their words around your son. Â
I also hear they are dismissing your worries rather than being careful with their words around your son. Â
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First: your fears are not fantasy. You are correct in being uncomfortable and worried about their actions affecting your son.
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Neuro-research has now well-documented that those early years are vitally important in determining who children become as adults. The early years are critical in adult competence, health, and overall well-being.
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Brain research shows that parents, I would also add extended family who spends time with a child, make the biggest impact during the pre-school years. During these years, your child is creating new connections in the brain at the rate of one million connections every second. Everything a child experiences create new connections. The way you act and what you draw your child’s attention to will help determine what neuropathways are constructed. What neuropathways are strengthened, and what neuropathways will be discarded as your child gets older.
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Your number one job as a parent is to keep your child safe. This includes emotional safety. Have a discussion with your extended family, and set boundaries for what behaviors (actions and words) aren’t ok, then lovingly but firmly be the sturdy parent your child needs you to be. You’ve got this.
